party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize