I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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