Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
