Got a toothbrush?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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