an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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