I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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