just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
