There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
