I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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