Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
