I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
