Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
