when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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