Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
