four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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