you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
