I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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