A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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