also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
