Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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