i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
