Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there's paper in my vomit.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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