I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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