If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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