speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
