I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize