I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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