i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
