im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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