i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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