just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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