Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
