nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Alive.
So much puke
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
