Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
