Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
