DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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