he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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