just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
