My Higher Power is John Stamos
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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