The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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