how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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