i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
