You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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