Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my shit smells like andre
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
