I want to have your abortion
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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