Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
