I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
