maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
