dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
