so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
