I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
