with your own penis?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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