You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
