The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
