My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
