Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
