Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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