He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
