I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
