Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize