You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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